Nostalgia Transcends Time Better Than Any Other Emotion

“His name swayed in my consciousness, like hair in the wind. I could feel it being imprinted in the front of my mind and it might just stay, even after he leaves.”

We’re in a busy café and waiting for our orders, mine a long black and his, a caramel flat white, when he says he needs to tell me something and it can’t wait any longer. His words echoed before I even registered what he said, “I’ve been offered a job in New York City, I leave in 2 days, and I don’t want you to come”.

Like a record stuck on a loop. He’s been offered a job in New York City. He leaves in two days. He doesn’t want me to come. Right before this I was laughing about an unintentional joke he’d made. He’s always been funny in that way. My mind snaps back to reality but my body is frozen and all I can do is stare because my eyes are the only moving part of my body. His mouth is moving in slow motion, and I have no idea what he is saying, but I can feel the pity in his eyes, blinding the rest of our surroundings like a bright white light. He asks me to say something, but I don’t know what to say when the love of my life doesn’t want to be with me anymore.

My ears register my name being called for the second time and I manage to walk over with a forced smile. I don’t walk back to him, instead I walk outside. The bell on the café door ringing, everything is ringing, and I feel like I might faint. With his grip on my right forearm, I’m realising my panic attack after the fact. I’m not reacting like this because I couldn’t cope without him, it’s because I don’t want to cope without him. He pleads with me this time to say something. I tell him I don’t know where to start. He reassures me it’s okay and follows with “I understand if you need some time to process this, but I would really like to talk before I leave.”

Confusion causing the creakiness in my voice as I ask, “How do you expect me to process this in less than two days”

Putting his hand on mine, he replies with “I know, I know, I’m sorry but they want me to start as soon as possible and it’s an amazing opportunity. I’ll be available the entire two days for whenever you’re ready.”

If only he wasn’t so effortlessly sweet, this would be easier.

13 hours pass by.

I’m smiling out of happiness for him, hiding the sadness I feel for myself. I know it would be selfish to fight him on this, he’s been working towards this his whole life. I wrap my arms around him one last time with his face burrowed in my neck. Minutes go by dragging like hours, he lifts his head so I can feel the soft press of his lips on my forehead one last time. And it was there, at our front door, lingering on my forehead, right where he left it, in the front of my mind. Even with him, leaving me behind. It will always be right where he left it.