Lessons On Relationships

As someone who’s been in the emotional whirlwind of romantic and platonic relationships, that can only be best described as emotional whiplash. I feel it’s fun and important for human connection to share some of the hardest but fundamental lessons I’ve learnt in my short almost 26 years of life about relationships: 

1. Not everyone has the same heart as you, so you can’t expect the effort you give is the effort you’ll receive back. 

Most or ideal relationships will have a healthy amount of push and pull when giving and receiving but if your standards aren’t being met and your boundaries are being pushed. The giving you’re doing will leave you pouring from an empty cup if you stay. But I think it's important to mention, meticulously keeping score will ruin anything before it's even begun. 

2. If it’s an I don’t know, it almost always ends up being a no. 

To elaborate in one sentence, deep down intuitively we always know when we’re unsure what we really mean is no and your intuition is telling you in sweet whispers this person isn’t for you. Intuition is not to be mistaken for the moments we spend second guessing ourselves based on what others think we should do. Although, intuition vs anxiety/people pleasing is another topic that maybe I'll share my thoughts on another time.

3. People often don’t mean what they say.

Words are often just noise, sweet nothings, when they're telling you that you’re kind, thoughtful, and pretty or that you'll meet their family, and they thought about buying you flowers and planning an elaborate picnic. Sure, that’s nice but are they showing you with their actions that they believe you deserve kindness, thoughtfulness and respect. Are they actively doing ANY of the things they said they would do?

4. Some believe respect and trust is given and some believe these are earned. 

I do believe this creates a type of imbalance in the world between these different types of people. I wonder; how do you know someone is deserving of respect and trust if you don’t give it to them initially? Can you reach the depth of vulnerability a relationship needs without respect and trust? I get vulnerability is scary and unfortunately, we do sometimes give it to the wrong ones but don’t let that stop you from being vulnerable. Vulnerability is so powerful in a loving, caring, open and honest in a relationship. Leading me to my next lesson.

5. People will see kindness and vulnerability as a weakness or naivety. 

I will actually plead with you, please!!! Recognise this is only a reflection of their inability to accept kindness and be vulnerable. It is not a reflection of you, and it is courageous to be treated this way and choose to be vulnerable anyway. Your ability to be sensitive and vulnerable may be weaponised in many different relationships. It took me a while, but I finally realised my ability to feel things deeply is essential for my compassion, empathy and human experience. Are you experiencing anything if your experiences are not deeply felt? What are they if there’s no emotions to tie them to? Just a thought? a memory? How mundane and robotic. 

6. Being misunderstood is more common than being understood. 

As humans we often create versions of people before we meet them by what they look like or how they are portrayed by others. At times, if you don’t fit that version of you people get disappointed and it creates a misunderstanding that is hard to rectify. Especially without self-awareness from the other person realising they have created an unrealistic expectation by creating you before meeting you. Take note of the ones who don't quite understand you but try to anyway and enjoy your way of thinking and being. They will be the ones to recognise and accept you for who you are.

7. Humans are contradictory, and we become enigmatic by a simple choice of actions or string of words. 

Following with the conversation we’ve all had with our friends “he said he wanted to be with me yesterday, he bought flowers, he wrote a card but today he ended it”, or “he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but he’s got a girlfriend now, it’s only been 2 weeks”. It could have played out this way for multiple reasons but if you spend your time trying to make sense of it, you’ll lose sleep, you’ll lose your appetite for food or life in general. Nobody and I mean absolutely fucking nobody is worth losing your sanity and self over. Deciphering mixed messages is like doing an impossible crossword. There will be no satisfaction or resolution in doing so, only disillusionment. Truth is, they can change their mind, and you can choose what they did was not enough for you and move on. 

8. This lesson is a little more specific for the girl's because I can only experience from this perspective: Sometimes we can feel like the in between girl, the one he spends time with before he meets the girl, he’ll actually date. 

We usually come after the rebound, when they still kind of miss their ex but don’t want them back so they’re seeing if it works out with you. Aka working out their still unresolved feelings and emotional unavailability. They're never going to respect you or love you in the way you deserve. You could tell them the million ways you want to be loved. You could give them a million reasons why you deserve it. Kind of sounds horrible I know but sometimes we are the in between girl and when you realise it, leave. It’s easier said than done especially for the people who are desperate to experience being unconditionally loved, but I promise you, they are not able or capable. Pour that love back into yourself, tend to your own garden. 

9. People will be and do what/who they want to be and do. 

We may be able to see how someone can better their lives by making different choices, but this only creates pressure and resistance. Let people make their own mistakes, it is not up to us to "save" anyone, we are only a saviour to ourselves and who are we to say what is best for somebody else's life that we have not lived. I've realised we can make two choices, to either meet people where they are or create space. Space could be for a few weeks, a few years, or a lifetime. There is no right amount of time, who you choose to be around or with is entirely up to you.  

10. Are you in love or infatuated?

Linking in with lesson number six, it's more of question but the lesson is in the words. It can be hard to decipher whether you're in love or infatuated but it is important to do so because staying long term in the infatuation of it all can lead to resentment, disappointment and discontentment. The intense dopamine feels good for a moment, because "wow they're so attractive and the sexual chemistry is insane", but you probably don't like or love this person for who they are but more so for your idea. Idea of the relationship you could have or idea of the person that they truly are not. I strongly believe there is going to be someone better suited out there, don't stay with someone you don't even like waiting on the potential of how it could be. 3 months, or 10 years down the line its always going to be "how it could be" not "how it is".

In the end, we all want someone to share our chips with. Someone to share, to love, to feel safe and comfortable with. But seriously I don't share my chips with just anyone. 

We've heard it all before "they'll come when you least expect it", but I believe love will come when it's supposed to. We have almost no control over how our life goes, sure we can make a series of choices to create what some may call a "destiny" but when the unthinkable and unexpected happens, there is no plan other than to get through it. How we choose to perceive the world creates the world we see. Heartbreak can leave us genuinely feeling like we're dying but if it's to experience love, somehow in the depths of our melancholy it reminds us, we're human. Like pinching yourself to see if you're still dreaming. With heartbreak comes lessons and how do we know how to not repeat history if we don't learn lessons. Sometimes learning the lessons that come out of it is the only way to get through it. 

No matter which side you feel you're on with these lessons, it's not about right and wrong and we've all most likely found ourselves on both sides. These are based off my personal opinions, experiences and what I've learnt through witnessing other people's experiences. I didn't write this with the intention of it being some profound piece that blows the minds of everyone who reads it. Maybe you knew all this, maybe you learnt something new and maybe you don't agree with anything I wrote, but I want to ensure I haven't disheartened anyone in pursuing love platonically or romantically. So, I will leave you with this:

Don't let your experiences make you cynical and pessimistic. Vulnerability and sensitivity is here to be shared. Love is here to be felt and experienced but before you go looking for love, recognise and feel it is within you first.